A little over a year ago, I started my journey to live a healthier life. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I had realized about year prior that I was miserably unhappy. I had given my whole life over to other people. Don't get me wrong, I had 2 wonderful children, an amazing group of friends who were literally my lifeline and a strange, complicated, dysfunctional family that I couldn't live without. But, I realized that every choice I had ever made was based on what I felt others wanted me to do....not what I wanted. Let me tell you, that is a very sad epiphany.
I know it sounds silly but it is exactly what I did. Awesome job opportunity...nope, the ex couldn't handle the kids after school that long. Go back to part-time...yes, my Mom felt it would be easier for me to take care of the family. Go back to full-time to support the family financially because the ex couldn't possibly work a job that was beneath him...yes, I'll commute 45 minutes to and from work and then come home to make dinner, clean house, do laundry and coach soccer. Quit the job I ended up loving because the ex found a job that he felt was worthy...yep, as long as he is happy. All I can say is I was pathetic.
It's strange what will lead to an epiphany like mine. I will never forget the day my way of thinking changed. I was working part-time in a job that I did not like and I was home all week alone with the kids. (I did and still do love taking care of the kids so no complaints there). I was exhausted. It had been a terribly busy and long week. The male-child had soccer 3 nights that week so the female child and I spent those evenings at games then rushed home to sit in the HS parking lot until 11pm waiting for the bus to return. The female-child had Girl Scouts one evening and I was her GS leader so was in charge of snacks, crafts, lesson, etc. I remember crawling in the door Thursday night at 11:15 and seeing the house in complete shambles. I knew the ex would be home the next evening and I knew I had zero time to clean or straighten on Friday so I hustled the kids to bed and started cleaning. I was up until 3 in the morning cleaning, doing laundry and getting the house back in order. I had a work breakfast that Friday at 8am so was to work early after getting the kids to school. I worked all day, picked up the kids, ran to the grocery store and had a clean house and a hot meal waiting for the ex when he got home for the weekend. I felt so proud yet tired. He came home, sat down and ate. No "thank you for dinner" was given, no "how was your week" was asked. I did dishes and was taking out the garbage when he walked in the kitchen. He looked out the open door in to the garage and said, "God, you didn't even take the recycling this week?!?" It was like a light bulb turned on that instant. I knew right then and there that I was done. I was done being ignored and made to feel inadequate. I was done doing what others wanted and not being respected for my efforts. I was done not being thanked for all I did. I simply stated, "No", in response to his question and I went to bed. I took my wedding ring off that night and I never put it back on. On a side note, the ex never noticed that I stopped wearing my ring.
It was definitely not easy to move on. After years of being made to feel incompetent and inadequate, I was scared to step away and think that I could survive on my own. But I found strength in very unexpected places and from very unexpected people. My journey to find my strength and conquer my fear is the subject for another blog. I do know that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that I deserve to love (yes, true love did find me) and be loved in return.
E
